do i make you horny?
there are times when youre just not in the mood.
some common symptoms are: headache. backache. a subtle separation inside, and all surrounding conversation sounds like it is coming from a distant party on another blanket in another park at another picnic far away from you. diarrhea. hysterics. runny nose. nausea. a sudden fascination with commercials, like the one where the old man is breaking down reminiscing about the wife of 60 years he lost to cancer, which for some reason tonight just breaks your heart. a painful desire to listen to records on your headphones. a rush of sentences in your head that dont make any sense and dont make any sense whatsoever. the sensation of being on the verge. upset stomach. limp dick.
sometimes even if you can get it up. you just dont wanna.
youre just not in the mood.
and of course somethings wrong with you. of course. because its not her. its definitely not her. you tell her, -its not you. you tell her over and over and kiss her on the face and neck and tell her she is sexy so sexy and stare at her body and breast and hips and gently caress her thigh and tell her again how sexy she is. that its not her. she says she believes you. you arent sure if you believe her.
you lay there next to her. naked. you study her. you glide your hands over her curves. look into her half sleep eyes. her pretty face. you kiss her. she lets out a small moan.
there are things you are expected to do. actions which define your role. your function.
you wait until she is asleep and leave the bed to wonder what it is thats wrong with you while smoking cigarettes and drinking screwdrivers in another room. you wonder if it is all the smokes and alcohol. you wonder if you watch too much porno. you wonder if its sadness or anger. or nerves. even after all this time. you wonder if its work. if its school. if its worry. if its all the other girls you think about. if its her.
you drink some water. you brush your teeth. you slide into bed and grab hold of her warm body. she pushes back against you. you breathe her in. you squeeze.
sometimes youre just not in the mood.
deal with it.