to the door

i could write another post about a show i went to see but its not in me this afternoon. not much is, to be honest.

its raining out. earlier snow was falling in big, heavy flakes that melted as soon as they touched the ground. there was a palpable frustration in the city, as no one wanted to see snow again for the remainder of the year. we had enough this winter, and felt we had suffered through the season admirably and deserved a break from the cold whiteness that blanketed us so. our grievances were valid, and it seemed only right that we spend the rest of march marveling at the bloom of spring, as the colors came back to the trees and the tarp was taken from the patio furniture. instead we have one more day of misery. a day of slushy gutters and a night of huddling inside our big coats. the coats we were prepared to retire to the closet, with the hoods and the down filling and the big pockets our lighters get lost in.

i cant say i feel very well. my stomach is turning and my heart beats faster than usual. i hope its just a minor cold, a consequence of my drinking habits, or perhaps the result of eating too late. what i dont want it to be is an emotional sickness, because you just never know when those are going to go away. they stew inside you, subsiding at times, then swelling up again in huge waves of anxiety.

thats neither here nor there, though.

the weather outside is bringing me down. im waiting for a food delivery to come. groceries, not just one meal. i havent had the chance to go shopping in a while and my refrigerator was entirely bare. well, not entirely. there were three apples. a quart of milk. some beer. a can of salsa. ive been living off of takeout and, although im fine with that, it can grow tedious and boring after a while. sandwich after sandwich. the occasional burrito or pizza pie. it became a sad habit i wanted to rid myself of. so i went online and ordered groceries from one of those internet supermarkets you see ads for on the subway. i scheduled the delivery to come between 12 and 2.

it is 1:50. the only thing pressing on my doorbell is the pattering of rain. they better show up soon.