Friday, January 28, 2005

icebox

dude! it is BRICK! [that means cold in brooklynese bitches]

i am coping with it ok. this is my third winter up in this piece, so i got the fat coat, the heavy scarf, crazy beanies and wicked thick gloves in the arsenal. not that any of that shit matters when you get an icy, cheek freezing arctic blast to the face when you roll out in the morning but im getting used to it.

L-Bleezy, on the on the other hand, who is a howley from hawaii and can count only her years in san francisco as 'cold climate experience,' HATES new york winters. she only has encountered two of them [she bailed for one] but new york winters have become her ja rule. her celine dion. her kathy griffin. she DESPISES them. she doesnt understand how people can live in this climate. she ask me all the time -how the FUCK can people live in this climate. yeah, the lza hates the wintah.

the other day we were walking to the subway and she suddenly stopped dead in her tracks, bent over and started intensely studying the sidewalk. im thinking she sees the virgin mary's face in a patch of snow or something because usually there is no way in motherfucking hell she is stopping for ANYTHING when troopin to the train in the am, its too fuckin cold to be stoppin, shit, gotta keep the blood flowin fool, keep steppin. but here she is in 10 degree weather stooped over and staring absolutely fascinated by what she sees. i still dont know what the fuck it is but she better hurry the fuck up cuz its COLD AS A MOTHERFUCK. she reached out her hand and pressed down on the sidewalk.

-oh my god. i think its... i cant believe.. what the... what the fuck there is MOTHERFUCKING ICE ON THE GODDAMN GROUND!! are you fucking kidding me there is ICE on the ground. i am walking on and slipping on ICE ON THE MOTHERFUCKING GROUND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING CITY.

i looked down. yup. ice. on the motherfucking ground. -huh. i guess the snow melted but..

-yeah before it could fully melt IT FROZE INTO ICE BECAUSE NEW YORK IS SO COLD ITS NOT NATURAL. ITS JUST NOT NATURAL. i would cry but im afraid my tears would freeze onto my face and form little icicles on my chin that would poke and stab me in the neck when i looked down at the ground to see where i am going because i dont want to slip on THE ICE ON THE MOTHERFUCKING GROUND.

she stomped off, slipping a little on the ice then catching herself and looking back at me with a stare that said -if cold weather were a person i would totally plunge a dull blade into its eye socket right now, and you can bet i would twist. i would plunge and twist.

yeah. the Lizzle LOATHES the wizzle.

well its supposed to be in the high 30's for the next week. shit, thats practically frisbee weather!

i think its about time for some starbucks colon bombing action.

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:gray matters: by jkg is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at downtownalleys.blogspot.com.