big kahuna burger

i stopped eating breakfast about ten or eleven years ago. not to say it was ever a cornerstone in my diet, but at some point i do remember waking up and having a meal on a somewhat regular basis. then i sort of stopped.

the way it happened was gradual. i dont know for sure, but i would guess the introduction of coffee into my routine helped curb my morning hunger. that is probably when it began. this was back when i was still going to raves, before i had both of my turntables, and a 3 bedroom apartment in san francisco went for just under $1000 a month. i was working at a new age gift shop in the marina district, selling zen rock gardens, tranquil water fountains, and crystals with promised healing powers to yuppies searching for their soul. i started drinking coffee then for the same reason i did most things, because i thought it was expected of me.

well, that and ive just never been a morning person.

anyway, once i would get my first cup down my appetite was wrapped. i wouldnt be hungry for anything save nicotine for the next five or six hours. sometimes, if i had to work long and i didnt have the time or money to eat, id just have another cup of coffee and be done with it. eventually, i just stopped caring about breakfast or lunch all together.

then came the drugs.

id already been indulging in a myriad of drugs by that time, from psychedelics to amphetamines to the daily consumption of weed and alcohol, but at some stage during this time -this new age crystal in a cheap, deckless apartment time- i upped the intake. we were young and excited about tomorrow. i was good friends and co-workers with this girl and her gay roommate and we would retire to their studio apartment downtown and drink wine and chop lines until the sun rose, then go to work together.

me and the girl would sometimes have awkward sex before we left to work while he would try to sleep in the closet, which was also his bedroom. or we would all just sit around polishing off bottles of cheap cabernet and wait until it was almost time to leave and snort the last line off the back of a janes addiction cd.

this got to be pretty regular, and eventually it would get to the point where by the time i ate anything, at any time of day, my stomach was so small from starving itself that i could only swallow a few bites before being uncomfortably stuffed and pushing back my plate. i lived on coffee and cigarettes and crystal meth. if i thought about food and it wasnt convenient for me to eat, i would smoke a cigarette. if it was convenient for me to eat then id get a toasted poppy bagel with herbed cream cheese and eat half of it before throwing the rest away.

this went on for years.

i just, through drug use, the reliance of coffee, eating in simple bites, and my own general indifference towards food, systematically crushed any semblance of a normal appetite i would ever have. even when my drug use lessened, and the excitement of being high was reduced from a joy shared with friends to an embedded habit that just came with the territory of my lifestyle, i remained uninspired by eating. it became utilitarian. something you did when there was nothing else you could do.

it actually grew into a nuisance. an obstacle one must hurdle in order to get through their day. i would dread getting hungry. i treated hunger like a thief. it stole my time. my day. my energy. i would try to eat the smallest, densest meal, as quickly as a could just to get it over with. i grew an aversion towards food in general. the very sight of a big, american plate of food sickened me. i began to drink fruit smoothies, just to stave off the threat of appetite.

this is when i was younger though, and now i dont have much of a problem with food. i actually look forward to a good meal every now and again. but i still dont eat breakfast. i just cant bring myself to that level of commitment. this morning, when i woke up, i made a pot of coffee and rolled myself a cigarette. i thought about maybe making myself a bowl of cereal, or even going to the coffee shop and getting myself a bagel, but figured that was more of a hassle than i was prepared to face. some things, i suppose, never change.