where my heart be at?

i think i miss San Francisco. i think i long for my home. i find my mind in dark places and just wish i could be there, starving and desperate, crawling along the hills on a crisp wet night. the city took such care of me for so long, and for so long i ignored it. i ignored the spectacular inclines, the miraculous sunrises and the bruised sky tangled between morning and night. i was young and i would ignore how safe i had become in the alleyways there, i would just parade up and down them searching for a charge. for lower class kicks. and i would get those too.

maybe its because i'm going to be writing about the city. about the years the city gave me and the years it took away. maybe its because i want to but cant start writing about the city. or maybe its that i cant stop writing about the city. maybe thats all i have in me and nothing else. the echo's of love and rage from a city thousands of miles away. but it rushes through me, the thought of san francisco. it shudders in my bones, and i cant help it. i cant help but miss her. im glad im going back in a few weeks. i wonder if its changed?

my head has been in a different place lately. ive been preoccupied with music and writing and working and women. always the same thing, it never changes. ive been writing poetry lately, which i havent done in years (since the days of suicide and painted fingernails), and listening to heavy songs over and over and over again. i cant seem to write prose though.

maybe thats a good thing.

ive gotta hit a meeting, this post may or may not get finished.