sharp pain

i havent been here much because im afraid to write.

here is where i try to be truthful but sometimes the truth hurts and sometimes the truth runs in circles like water around a drain and i dont want to become repetitious especially when it would hurt every time.

so ive stayed away even though i dont want to. even though when i dont visit and contribute i feel empty and worthless like everything inside of me slipping away. like the sands in the hourglass are trickling into the negative and this hourglass cant be turned over, its a one shot deal.

it doesnt help that im burdened with responsibilities. that i have to remain focused on not one or two but three things, and that these things dont even have my full attention because there are other things im overly concerned with. other things that i have to iron out, and i keep waiting for these things to iron out so that i can get back to focusing on the things i need to focus on.

it doesnt help that even now, even here, where im supposed to be truthful, i cant even say any names.

and so i come here with sweaty palms and a head with too much in it. and so i come here not to write stories but to write about nothing. to write about all that is left in the aftermath of importance.

andi ive been carrying this cold, this sickness, with me for too long. sometimes i wonder if its my immune system and sometimes i wonder if its my emotions. sometimes i think im too sensitive to survive, that eventually i will die of a broken heart. this, even though i can be cold and even though i can be calculating. this, even though i can ignore and i can forget. this, even though i have let the past be the past, have let the ghost haunt freely, have let the scars scab up and close. this, even though i know in the end everything will be the same.

i come here to write and i do, but sporadically. this blog no longer lets me be a better writer, just as it no longer is a place i can confess. this blog has become another duty, another job which i do poorly at. i will spend my minutes here and i will accept that it doesnt satisfy. that it only adds a sharp pain in the overall frustration of my routine. ouch.