Kids these days

I was in my local café this morning, getting myself a redeye to wash down the aches of sleep, when I picked up a flyer on the counter. The image on the front is what grabbed me, an animated baby in sunglasses and a chain link bracelet, but it was the words beneath this image, BABY LOVES DISCO, which made me pick it up and read more. On the back was this text:

Once a month Baby Loves Disco transforms New York’s hottest club into a child proof disco as children (6 months to 7 years) and parents looking for a break from the routine playground circuit let loose for an afternoon dance party featuring real music spun by real DJ’s blending classic disco. Plus bubble machines, a chill-out area, diaper changing stations, a full spread of healthy snacks AND optional cocktails for non-driving parents. Saturday afternoon is the new Saturday night. Come join us.

Ok, so fill me in here? What exactly is the “routine playground circuit,” and when did kids of 8 months old need “a break” from it? Is it because not enough of the playgrounds have wifi and these busy little New York infants just can’t be disconnected too long from their social network? Are sand and slides and no worries in the world just getting too tedious for today’s power hungry toddler? It’s lucky these hip new baby discos have diaper-changing rooms, the dance floor would just be a mess if there weren’t.

I just don’t know about infants these days? Have you seen them, in their fancy little strollers wearing Sex Pistols and Public Enemy t-shirts? It’s as if they already have an agenda and they aren’t even 3 years old yet! How the hell can a baby know who the Ramones are? Most of them don’t even recognize their grandparents yet, but they seem to understand the anti-establishmentarian philosophies of early punk music. Well bully for them!

But we all know why the kids are wearing these t-shirts and going to these “clubs.” It’s the parents. The parents are bored with the dreaded ‘playground circuit,” so they hired out a well known club space and some DJ’s, made sure the bar was stocked and there was enough food to keep the kids from getting cranky [and only healthy snacks, heaven forbid a child eat the same unhealthy crap we did as kids]. And how else will all your friends know how cool you were before you had children unless you adorn your baby in expensive hipster t-shirts with the band names of people YOU like? Never mind that the baby will outgrow his sleeveless Sonic Youth tee in a matter of months and you will be left with nothing less than a formula stained washrag with indie rock credibility.

I guess this is just the new way to raise kids. At least for the first 12 years or so, until whatever music that will define them is created. It's not exclusive to New York either, I guess they do it all around the world. Seems expensive though, $12 t-shirts, and Saturday afternoon cocktail budgets. I don’t even know if kids are worth it. Not to say I don’t like babies, but you gotta admit, they can be pretty hit or miss. They definitely aren’t all cute or well behaved. Some are, but there are a lot that aren’t, and those are usually the ones in the coolest t-shirts too, going to all the hip clubs, at the front of the line, on the guest list and shit. Fucking hipster infant douche bags.