Donna Nada Mucho
I know I got home from a few moments ago. And that I crept around the house so that I didn’t wake anybody. I know that I grabbed a beer from the fridge. I know that I lit a Camel Light cigarette. I know where I was tonight. And I know where I'll wake up tomorrow morning. I know I'm here right now. But I don’t know much else.
When a close friend called earlier this week, and told me his mom had just died, and I could feel the words sinking into him like a sickness as he said it, I didn’t really know what to say. I couldn’t be reassuring, because there was nothing there to reassure. I couldn’t tell him I understood, because my mom didn’t die, she just slowly disappeared. I couldn’t tell him he shouldn’t worry, because there was nothing really to worry about. And I couldn’t tell him it was going to be ok, because it wasn’t. So I just sat on the phone and listened as he tried to keep it together, I just sat on the phone and breathed into the receiver. I said I was sorry once or twice; I gasped and tried to sit still. It is a profound loss, but I couldn’t say anything that would make things better. And I wanted to cry but it wasn’t my turn. It was his.
I got assigned some writing and I didn’t know what to write. The lesson was vague and tedious, it was an exercise with no weight. I did it anyway though, and I wasn’t pleased. They were plain dumb character sketches of people I didn’t like. Assholes with no reason but to muck up my imagination. They were flawed, as was my prose, and I felt stupid when I read it later. I figured its because I'm too hard on myself though, and eventually let it go.
And Thursday came and went but I didn’t put up a post. I can’t keep a promise, but I warned you of that from the get go. I wanted to tell you about the surprise party I got for my birthday. I wanted to tell you about this great song I heard. I wanted to tell you about this post I read. I wanted to tell you about Donna. I wanted to tell you about the house I was in where they always had the TV on and it was always playing porno, even if no one was watching. I wanted to tell you about Brooklyn, about New York. I wanted to tell you about the world. But I don’t know. I don’t know what to post on this blog and I don’t know what to write on a paper and I don’t know what to say on the phone shit I just don’t know anything these days.
Except that I was in a bar and they were playing hip hop classics, and afterward I went to a friends house and some unsigned rappers started a freestyle session. One of them was pretty good. I hope he goes far in life.