she cant take it anymore. my habits. my pace. my haphazard approach towards things. she cant take how reckless i am. she cant take how unforgiving i treat myself. she cant take how i make her worry. she told me last night, its becoming too much for her, and she just cant take it anymore.
and i understand her concern. for a man that just had spinal surgery two months ago i have embraced an awfully casual attitude recently. what with all the parties and late nights, the contant drinking and smoking, even letting some of the more questionable chemicles seduce my late evenings. one would think i never had a severe disk extrusion in my lumbar region at all. upon first inspection, if you didnt know me, one could go so far as to assume that i am in decidely good health, that i have a strong and sturdy foundation, that i have no scars, that i'm five years younger than i am. one would be wrong though. i know this, and so does she.
i cant explain why i do these things. why i choose to live as hard as i do. why i seem to have such a relaxed grasp on consequence. why, it would appear, i dont give a shit about fuck all at times.
because i do. i feel where i am in life. im aware of whats going on. ive got some sense. i weigh the options, take the pros and the cons, explore the circumstance. i've got it together. i have an intellectual grip on things. i know the score. really, i do, im not just giving bad air here.
but i can act like a child some times, especially when someone is telling me that im acting like a child. there is an unreasonable streak in me that doesnt like being told what to do. something inside me that doesnt, and most likely will not ever, trust authority. i dont know if its a fierce independance bought on by the lack of any guidance growing up as a kid. or if because of this parental deficiancy i feel i deserve to be allowed my own decisions, free of any outside advice or manipulation unless solicited. maybe i feel that since i raised myself as a kid i should be granted the freedom to make my own mistakes as an adult. maybe im a stubborn piece of shit. a child, huffing and puffing inside a mans body.
and i just want to be happy and i want her to be happy and i want to feel her smile on my neck and her breast in my hand and that giggle and sigh and moan that she has that she gives that she is so generous with. but she wont allow me to lose control or she wants to control what it is i lose. i dont know i cant explain it. what i see is we are fractured and we are falling apart and all i can do is whine and cry about it on this stupid fucking blog.