rotting brain

the streets are covered in the cold white of fallen sky. of the frozen ocean come back to blanket us. it is in this weather that we find comfort in solitude. wrapping ourselves in thick cotton and wool. heavy socks and oversized sweaters. small comforters and long underpants. building around us a soft warm womb from which to hide from the world.

it is in this weather that i try to find focus. without the distractions of life to bother me, i gather my thoughts and attempt to drive them forward. there are responsibilities i need to tend to, duties that must be done. i have work from school, i have work outside of school, i have work that is personal, work on myself.

but im having trouble finding the rhythm. my thoughts are scattered all about. i am a mess of emotions, a confusion of ideas. even typing these sentences is a trying task.

lately ive been trying to watch movies, but i cant seem to finish them. some of them i cant even start. this is a frustrating development, because not only do i love watching movies, but i like to pride myself with having the patience to sit through a good, thought provoking feature when its presented to me.

but i cant even sit through a normal 90 minute spectacle these days, let alone a slow moving, dialog driven piece that leaves the viewer with something to chew on. i would think that a movie which is meant solely to be a visual experience, a flick that is designed to entertain the eyes and less the mind, would be an easy thing to take in. i mean, such movies dont ask for your undivided attention, youre hardly even required to follow the plot. yet, i get two thirds through them and somehow lose concentration, or maybe it is interest i lose; but by the time the credits are rolling my mind is somewhere else. ive missed the end and i hardly care.

what does this mean, i ask myself. is there too much in my head i am trying to ignore, and to sit and attempt to focus on something longer than an hour become too much to bear? are their situations swirling inside that ive chosen to evade? are my classic attempts to escape no longer effective?

on this day, as the city is suffocated in cold, i once again attempt to find focus. i eschew the quick cuts of modern living. i dismiss the insignificant flashes that infest our attention. i plan to get things done. i plan to surrender to my womb. i am dressed for it. my intent is in the right place. i am moving forward today. i am moving forward.