back on the grind

i just had five days off in a row. the days were slothful and largely without any event. i planned on working on personal things. doing some writing, reading, perhaps catching up on my more serious movies. but instead i did nothing.

it isnt that i didnt accomplish much on my days off [the final days before i return to school, and my hours are all assigned some task and the days ahead are all fraught with deadlines] but more so that i planned to accomplish so much, and failed at accomplishing anything. had i not betrayed this promis to myself then i would be ok with my laziness. hell, i embrace my laziness and feel i deserve it. but if i say i want to do something i want to be able to do it. at least TRY to do it.

but i didnt. well, i didnt completely fuck off my days, there were a few brief surges in discipline, where i pulled out the ole computer and typed a few sentences here and there. deleted a few others. rearranged a couple more. but for the most part, i sat around chatting with friends, sporadically watching porno, and toiling around on lamebook. i did not read my book. i did not watch the oscar winning drama sitting on my coffeetable. i did not finish all the re-edits i was supposed to do. i did not write anything new.

i did though, drink a lot of beer, smoke a shit ton of cigarettes, and catch up on old reruns of sitcoms ive previously seen. i cuddled with my cats a lot. i saw a couple friends. i took long showers. i slept in.

at night - like clockwork- i would make a pledge to wake up the next morning and write a few words. whatever words came to my head. just to exercise my mind a bit. and every morning -like clockwork - i would roll out of bed and meander to the computer and, while sipping my coffee and taking the first nicotine drags of the day, stare at the screen hoping something in it would push me to write. but nothing ever did. so i just leafed through the wires.

now my mini vacatin is over and i am left with nothing to prove it ever happened. i start school saturday and work tonight and the next. im done with time that is easy and free, now i am thrust into the routine of performance. every minute counts. every new moment another chore. and i havent even stretched yet.