the process

some friends of mine are getting a divorce. it is curiously devoid of any bitterness or resentment, actually, it appears that they are having a good time with it. they have just realized that they have different agendas in life, and different ideas of what the future should hold, so amicably decided that it best they end their marriage instead of living in a relationship that would ultimately be a burden on their lives. they have even planned a "divorceymoon" to Rome. so this is the final days of their marriage, love, friendship, sex, and travel. bravo to them.

but i fear this may be only an attempt to avoid the crushing truth of their circumstance. they still love and respect each other. they are still best friends. and soon this will all be gone. loss, the cousin of love and death, is the cruelest element of consciousness. the emptiness left is sometimes harder to bear than the pain of presence. it hurts. it does. and i know its hard to face. i wish them the best of luck. they are really my closest and intimate friends. sometimes i feel im taking it harder than they are.

this all brought to light something ive been mulling over myself the last few days. how i handle pain loss and confusion. for all my years on earth, or at least the ones i could intellectually consider, when i have suffered through some difficult internal conflict i have folded into myself. lost in my thoughts and feelings, hidden by the blank stare on my face. i usually hide and lick my wounds. i dont answer the phone. i ignore when the doorbell rings. i avoid the internet and the television and the sounds that rise from the city, as if they are all the source of my burden, as if they are the reason of my hardships. and sometimes they are. but most times, its just me.

what i thought i was doing was working out the problems in my head. and to an extent, maybe i was. but really, what ive realized, is i was letting time bury the problems. i was allowing the pain to be suppressed. forgotten. i still do this. i have no other methods to process agony. i can only wait it out. its just me. it isnt healthy. but its me. and i never have claimed to be healthy.

i only hope that when it does come, the discomfort of loneliness, the heartache and grief of loss, that my friend knows i am there for him. or her. that they are aware i will try to understand and i will not judge. i will let them cry. we all need to cry sometimes. this post is pretty lame. but ive decided to try "posting every day" again, so whatever. go suppress your rage elsewhere.