a mighty nightcap

You will need:

3.5 gm. delivery grade marijuana
3 22 oz. Ol’ English 800 malt liquor
1 television (36”)
15 loose cigarettes (frozen)
2 hours alone
1 very long day

first you must queue up an episode of Seinfeld on your tivo.* Preferably, “The Butter Shave,” episode because it has that scene where Putty just wants to stare into space instead of read a book on the plane and Elaine gets all pissed and annoyed and breaks up with him but he just kinda shrugs his shoulders and is all, “Whatev.”

Let that simmer over a medium heat and begin breaking up the marijuana for the spliffs.

Begin to drink the first 22 oz. of beer.**

Once the marijuana is broken into fine, tight slivers of green, slit the cigarette down the middle and dump tobacco into empty shoe box top. Mix bud and tobacco leaves until blended thoroughly, then line with fingers into small Bamboo rolling paper. Add pre-rolled crutch from corner store matchbook. Lick gummy side of paper. Twist delicately until closed.

Smoke. Repeat.

While the heat from the stone bakes in, reflect on your day. Think about the remark you should have made, or call you should have avoided. Think of how the sex would have been, think about all the poon you could have banged. Think about that joke again. Think about that joke one more time. Think about the tv being on. Think about his dimples. Think about a field of brown grass or a closed subway track tunnel. Think about how things are done. Think about God. Or you know, just stare into space like Putty.

Be all, whatev.

Just as a heightened “whatev-ness” is reached, turn off heat, serve to bed. Ensure that bedding is warmed by a soft, curvy body (slight snoring optional), and that a thick, down comforter is FULLY COVERING your side of the bed.

Kiss her on the shoulder.

Boom.

*For this recipe we will assume you have tivo, because as it has already been discussed and agreed upon by those with very nice ties and super flashy haircuts, tivo is the way forward.

**As each 22 oz. booze bottle is emptied, another cold one sits in the fridge waiting to be cracked. This continues as such until you fall asleep…

thanks supereggplant for the sweet pic. i give props.