a new age

after i got home tonight, disappointed that my ipod's battery had died on the walk from the subway to the front door, leaving the last few blocks of that minor jaunt crazed in sounds of tires flushing past the avenue, i flipped open my 80 gigabyte powerbook and launched a browser with intentions to post in my blog. first i had to turn down my plasma television, but i was quite fond of the particular episode of "Golden Girls" that was on-

(you know, the one where Dorthey's friend comes to stay with them and the girls realize that not only is she gay, but falling in love with Rose. zany senior citizen shenanigans ensue, and even though the hot, leathery, old lady lesbo action was left on the cutting room floor, we are treated to a tender finale in which Rose accepts her acquaintances preference for pensioner poon, but delicately declines the doddering dyke, leaving the relationship open to a simple trusting friendship. seeing this as her only opportunity to stay close to Rose's haggard hump-hatch, the senile old queer relents to the feeble offer. with this they all laugh and hug and everybody is richer for the experience. it is geriatric magic.)

-so instead of turning the volume down i hit pause on the tivo. i take the power cord from L-geekness's laptop (an ibook. the only laptop that looks disposable. im serious, it looks like when you open it up it should have picture buttons instead of a keyboard. it looks like a Fisher-Price laptop. or a laptop you would win at the carnival. or get free when you open up a credit account at the belt buckle stud stand in the mall) and plug it into mine. her ipod's fully charged so i jack mine into the power strip on the floor near the xbox console. then i sit back and start perusing the wires, reading the headlines as they are made.

im so modern.

and my phone is too! were you to ask me, -jon, where did you get your phone? well i would have to reply with a thunderous, - THE FUTURE!!! yes, i have joined the technological age (i dont count computers, they are so 90's!) and gotten a PDA cell phone. oh? you inquire, - and what does PDA stand for? well dont ask me, what do i look like, some kind of scientist? it could stand for Pee Down Armpits or Pluck Delicious Apples. shit, it could mean Pinch Da Anus for all i know, but its hella dope and fancy looking, so i know its got to be good!

like, i can text message now, and i love it. text messaging is more fun than fellating bacon. its the only way i want to communicate now. never again will i use my vocal chords to interact with people over the phone. its all digital words on a tiny handheld screen from this point forward. all my "happy birthdays", or "sorry about your grandmass", or "congratulations its a babys", or "too bad about that rashes" are gonna be via text message from here on out. thats it. fuck talking. talking's for chumps. retro chumps. get with the '06 dude, no one talks with their mouth these days.

but i got a little too excited with my sudden leap in technological advancement. i bought a ring tone. its not that i dont like ringtones, i mean, they are very NOW and NECESSARY, but i just chose the first song i kind of like, and now, because i paid two whole earth dollars for it, i am determined to keep it as my chosen alert. so every time someone calls a crappy digital keyboard rendition of the song "Oh," by Ciara plays and i my cheeks grow red like a tweeny little girl.