special days: then and now

each year it seems my birthday gets more and more insignificant. ive gone from not thinking much about it to not really caring about it to forgetting it all together. not that im ignoring the splendors of age, i just dont get excited about celebrating them all on one particular day. its probably rooted in some childhood birthday disappointment from years past; a defense from reliving an earlier calamity that has left me scarred and timid. but that doesnt stop my "special day" from arriving each year, like an expected catastrophe that doesnt quite meet the level of damage it's promised, leaving a frustrating mess to clean up after its gone.

my birthday isnt until tomorrow, but i thought it would be interesting to go over what my birthday was like 5 years ago and what i predict it will be like tomorrow night. i havent changed much, but im sure you will note the subtle differences in how i roll now, and how i rolled then.

5 years ago -6pm: i left the office two hours earlier, citing my birthday as legitimate reason to exit before im technically off the clock. ive already had a few cocktails at a bar in downtown San Francisco with a couple friends. we head to the bathroom in twos and crush up lines on the back of the toilet, i read the walls to take my mind off the drip. then we go outside and slyly pass around a bowl while smoking cigarettes. dinner plans have been scratched as our appetite has been deadened.

5 years later -6pm: i left the office 45 minutes early so that i could make class at 6. i have read most of the assignment and finish what i havent on the subway ride to campus, downtown new york. on my way there i stop at the store and grab an apple to help keep me awake. i smoke a cigarette before entering the building.

5 years ago -9.30pm: i head back home from the bar with two friends in tow and a few to meet me at the palace. we stop at a dealers flat on the way to pick up another bag, when i tell him that its my birthday he packs a gram of meth into his homemade water pipe and tells me to smoke it slowly but not too slowly because he doesnt want his roomate to come home and see that hes still dealing. his eyes are darting and the room is cramped with broken keyboards and unfinished art. it smells of sweat and burnt plastic. i smoke as much as i can before i begin to get nervous and feel myself about to vomit. then we grab the bag we came for and head to the spot.

5 years later -9.30pm: i get out of class where it took all my energy to stay awake and then even more to fend of urges of suicide through the insufferably boring 3 and a half hour class. i get on the subway headed back into brooklyn and read text during the ride. i stop at a bodega and pick up some beer and the guy behind the counter talks on his cell phone during the whole transaction.
i wonder if i should pick up some food before i hit the palace and decide i dont feel like making a decision so leave.

5 years ago -12am: i happen to have a gig the night of my birthday at a bar in the lower haight. all the drinks are free and im sucking them down. my mind is rushing from a cigarette to a girls ass then the next record and another line. i flooding myself with alcohol; thinking [another girls ass and another cigarette and pornography and a record and a cigarette and a drink and a memory and another then another]. someone slips me a valium and a joint and because its my birthday and im the dj i get to smoke behind the booth.

5 years later -12am: after a couple xanex and a bottle of wine everything get loose and then looser. we get the check and L-bonita foots the bill but i get the tip and i tip a little generously because im feeling like it makes everything easier to overtip, as if that is some great solution to all lifes trials: to tip generously. and she takes my hand and we stumble outside and hail a taxi to a bar in the lower east side. some friends are meeting us for a nightcap. once there everything slowly unspins and the drinks are free and we hit the bathroom in twos and do key bumps of cocaine to help wake ourselves up. we go outside and smoke a few cigarettes while slyly passing around a bowl.

5 years ago -3am: a girl that i flirt with at clubs takes me to her car to do a few bumps and smoke a cigarette. in the middle of my second smoke she unzips my pants and takes me into her mouth and it feels like a harmony blooming from outside in and i reach down and put my fingers in her and we both moan and even though the windows are fogged up i can see silhouettes of people as they pass by slowly.

5 years later -3am: after having pretty good sex with L-bleezy, where she encouraged that i do whatever i want to her or have her do whatever i want to me, i let her fall asleep then go to my office where i read a few blogs and think about posting but turn off my computer before i do.

5 years ago -6am: they start selling alcohol again and i decide to just go to work from the afterhours club im at. a couple hours later, this will sound less like a good idea and i go home, leave a message that im sick, and masturbate furiously until i eventually drink myself into a restless afternoon sleep.

5 years later -6am: ive been in a deep sedated sleep and snoring like a monster for 3 hours, ive already sent an email to work explaining i wouldnt be in the next morning.

of course all tomorrow nights activities are speculative. it could go down like i predicted here or it could not. who knows? i do know that when i turned 25 i was already 2 days into a bender and that bender didnt really end until i turned 27. now im turning dirty 30 and my bender is books and it probably wont end until im 35. hey, at least i still DJ.