camping is for chumps

The woods are scary. period.

at least for a guy like me, who was raised in the center of the city, surrounded by bricks and asphalt and dodging cars against red lights. the woods are too quiet, too open, too empty. they make an urban cat like me feel vulnerable and naked, like im bait or prey. like im in the perfect situation to be hunted.

see, i need crackheads and traffic and sirens blaring through the sky. i need a broken phone on the corner and some chump asking for change. i need witnesses all around me [well, most of the time, sometimes no witness is a good witness]. i need to know where the shady neighborhood is. i need to know what a sound is when i hear it and i need to know which direction it came from.

i need the internet and my cellphone. i need a place to buy cigarettes 24 hours a day. i need a subway to take my drunken ass home and if i get lost, i need to be in a place where if i run into someone its not totally weird and awkward because there isnt anyone else for miles. i need to have it all right before my eyes, not hidden under a rock or behind a tree.

the city is right there in front of you. see that guy over there? he's crazy, you can tell by the way he mutters scriptures into that banana. and that lady coming this way, shes in a rush and needs to get to work. that guy is a heroin addict. that guy is a bootleg DVD dealer. that store is closed. that street is one way. its all right there, you cant miss it.

but in the woods you never know. its no wonder that movie Blair Witch Project scared the shit out of me. man, you come from the city and you think that kinda shit can happen. shits wild and uncontrolled in the woods. you might get murked by a bear or a mountain lion, or worse, some crazy machete weilding hillbilly rocking bloody overalls and a banjo. for real real, not for play play. the woods dont be messin yo.

yeah well i guess i better knuckle up then cuz imma be all up in the forest this weekend. hope i dont get mauled by a pack of angry deer or nuthin'.

eminem cant handle his drugs and this is creepier than Demi Moores hairy poon and kanye is sick of people calling him gay.