Thursday, June 09, 2005

sweet talking

so my new A/C is pretty fuckin sweet if i say so myself. A Kenwood LXMB8976 model. 12,000 BTU's of straight chill factor circulating through the mansion. keepin all the homies cool like that. lord knows we needed it being as we were somewhere between the 4th and 5th level of Dante's Hell up in here for the last three summers. its one of those newer, fancy models too. its got a digital display, a remote control, a smart chip built inside, and my favorite feature, a voice activating system.

i just explored that last bit this afternoon, i've always wanted a voice activated appliance and was pretty eager to exercise this new device. so this morning when i woke up instead of reaching for the remote to power up the chill system i walked into the living room and had this brief conversation:

me: air conditioner, turn on. set to 77 degrees
air conditioner: at. once. jon. setting. temp. to. 77. degrees.
me: ahhh. man that feels good.
air conditioner: happy. to. service. you. jon.

yeah it has a very halting speech. kinda talks all robot style. but hell, its pretty sweet still. and the smart chip even makes it polite. like, i said before, this air conditioner is quite the humanitarian. just this afternoon after i went and got myself a sandwich for lunch, i came back and had to lower the temperature on it a little so it would cool the room faster. and you know it said the sweetest thing:

me: air conditioner, set to 65 degrees.
air conditioner: setting. temp. to. 65. degrees.
me: oh man, thank god it is so hot in here.
air conditioner: i. hear. ya. buddy. you. should. relax. for. a. while. you. have. been. working. too. hard.
me: you know, youre right airconditioner, i think ill take a nap.
air conditioner: sweet. dreams. good. friend.

c'mon, you gotta admit, thats pretty nice for an air conditioner. i mean, L-water never even wishes me sweet dreams, let alone has she created a room temperature bearable in the summer at the drop of my voice command. and its not just people that my air conditioner is nicer than. the newer models have the same feature but their voices are much more fluid and their tone of conversation is way more casual. my friend has the 2005 model [mines the '04 jammy] and his speaks like its known you since middle school. we walked into his apartment one day and the a/c actually greeted him [along with voice activation it has heat and motion sensors to tell if its owner is in the room]. my mouth dropped. once we stepped in the room it was like:

air conditioner: sappenin brah. hot enough for ya? hahaha. just kidding. ill set myself to 75 degrees. that sound nice?
friend: uh.. yeah sure air conditioner. whatever. im going to be leaving soon so shut down in an hour.
air conditioner: no problem boss. hey, where ya going?
me: man, your air conditioner is kinda nosy
friend: shhhh. its sensitive.

see, i couldnt be having that shit. all being sarcastic and calling me 'brah' and shit. nah. gimme a nice polite robot voice any day. i dont need my a/c gettin all sensitive on me. fuck that. i got better things to do than worry about hurting my air conditioners feelings. pfft. i'll pass on that adventure. im happy enough with my 2004 model Kenwood LXMB8976. it does me proper indeed. besides, i've already named it. her name is Gloria.

oh, i think i hear her trying to call me. i'll hit you back later.


Toyota unveiled its prototype 2007 model,
nicknamed B.O.B.B.I., last week. it is reported to
walk, play the trumpet, and give what is referred
to in the A/C world as "Real Black Love."

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:gray matters: by jkg is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at downtownalleys.blogspot.com.