Thursday, May 05, 2005

breathing and its stupid results

i think i just told a friend that might have lost her lover that her pain would eventually subside. and i dont know if this was right.

i felt i should offer something in form of support though. i felt, as a friend, it was part of my weight to alleviate some of her pain in the meager form of "words of encouragement." so i told her that things would shape up. i told her the feeling would pass. not in those particular words, but something of the sort.

but to be honest and bare and candid, i cant really say that this is always the case. sometimes the pain doesnt dissolve into the past. sometimes it cracks and fractures your spirit and leaves you a ruptured shell of who you were. it breaks and spills inside and you are flooded with a misery of stains that wont wash away. sometimes it haunts you, mostly it haunts you, and cages you and you are possessed by it; you are a slave to it. sometimes it buries itself inside of you like a grave.

and only time can liberate you from its grasp. only time can cure you of its ache.

she is strong though, and has the surviving spirit of one who has survived the war of essence. the battles of breath. she will definitely get through this, but i cant help but feel i lied. because i know, i know what it feels like. loss.

loss, the simple child of love and death. our friend and confidant. our lover. our relative. without it, we would never find what we are searching for.

what i should have said was "im sorry you are going through this and if there is anything i can say or do, limited as i am to this cold electronic interaction, just let me know. even if its a joke. even if its a venomous rant. even if that means doing nothing at all," but instead i chose to offer what i considered advice. i choose to go with arrogance, as if i knew what it was she felt. this was petty on my part. but i will accept that sometimes i am petty and small. i will admit that i am a deeply flawed man with good intentions but a retarded sense of responsibility. im not above realizing this.

i am sad for her. and thats where she surpasses me emotionally. she is fearless and strong. and she has fire and anger. she will handle this much better than i could ever imagine to. she is the truth and thats the dope. she is profoundly aware of who she is, and thats why she will triumph over this episode.

and she also had a third party, a truly evil element, poisoning the hours of her day. she had a villain. a nemesis. a spy and a slanderer. a person that was toxic, gently murdering her content. this person, this third party, was an infection she could not escape. and that makes the hurt all the more worthless.

i hope that third party, that adversary, cries and weeps and gets buried in their resentment.

but mostly i just want my friend to be ok. cuz pain and loss are wack. and thats the truth homie.


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:gray matters: by jkg is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
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