too big to fit it in

i feel like that comic character Ziggy. you know, the inevitable loser with the cloud of rain perpetually hanging above his head. except i'm black and tall and much easier on the eyes. still, like that fool, nothing seems to be going my way. everything is just out of reach. lately im that guy that gets 5 of the seven lotto numbers. the guy that wins free tickets to a concert of a band he doesnt particularly care for. the guy that pays for the porno password only to find out the movie format doesnt work on his computer. and there i am, dick in hand, defeated once again.

like this couch i bought. oh man, its a gorgeous couch. GORGEOUS. nice shade of beige. seven feet long. deep and comfy with huge pillows and soft armrest [the kind you can sit on when you want to give that "im not really trying to hang around for long" impression]. this couch just begs for you to lay on it and patiently wait for something to come along and entertain you in your leisure. yes, this couch is the shiznit.

L-water found it on craigslist at an insane bargain. so i took some measurements of our doorways, asked for the dimensions of the couch, did some calculating in my head [which, as we all know by know, is huge and filled with facts and trivia that would put punks like carl sagan and steven hawkin to shame] and figured it was a go. we were getting a new couch. one we desperately needed seeing as the futon we have been using since we moved to new york is on its very last leg. its literally scraping the hardwood floors. its like your sitting on the letter V. the futon is done, we've had some good times on the futon. some awesome sex, some killer naps, and hours upon hours of sweet sweet laziness. but it was old and decrepit, and like that senile family member who's stories of WWII you know longer find interesting, we gotta put the old horse down.

so we go to the east village, check out the couch, acknowledge its utter beauty, and i call up some movers [three asian cats with a big ass moving truck]. me and L-bleezy get to sit in the back of the van with the couch on the way which was pretty cool though since my back is fucked up we couldnt take advantage of the impossibly rare situation we were in and have crazed monkey sex in the darkness of our bumpy ride home.

so we get home and the movers, who were quite efficient i might add, take our grand, glorious couch up the one flight of our brownstone and try to squeeze it into the door to our living room. they try lengthwise. width wise. over the railing. through the woods. to grandmothers house they went but all to no avail. they couldnt get it into the door. now mind you i HAD TAKEN MEASUREMENTS so its not all my idiocy that created this horrible conundrum. because you see, they could get it into my other door, in to the room that ISNT my livingroom. see, that part i got right. its just they couldnt fit it down the hall and into the other door, which leads to the room the big and beautiful beige couch is supposed to be in.

so im like: FUCK! and they put the couch into the other room, which isnt the room its supposed to be in, but at least its in my house. me and L-gringa try every possible way [taking into consideration that if i try to lift shit too heavy i might just permanently fuck my back into irreversible submission with only 9 days before the operation which should relieve me of any further back pains for good [fingers crossed] but it just doesnt happen. its a fucking geometric impossibility. in other words: FUCK!

so now im just another one of those chumps thats gonna put up his couch on craiglist whining that he doesnt really want to sell it but unfortunately it "cant fit into my apartment".

fuckin stupid couch.

stupid beautiful comfy piece of shit couch.

looking so pretty and inviting, making want to lay on it.

fucking couch.

god damn.