Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Scottish Techno b/w Regina King is Dead


tonight it was a scottish techno party at cielo. the music hadnt gotten incredibly inpiring, but was decent enough for me to stay a few hours. Free scottish spirits helped a bit too.

there is no such thing as a functioning addict. there are those into one chemical, and those that enjoy them all. i fall within with category of the latter. i choose anything which will help me change where ever i am at at the time. i dont care what the molecules create, as long as they lift me from my current space. this could be a problem. then again, it couldnt. i moderate. i pick and choose.

is there such thing as a functioning addict? is there such a person that believes that it isnt the particular high they want, but actually just the high they achieve, regardless of what may induce it. i search for it, and so do many others, and we feel because we dont rely on one particular chemical, then we are fine. we are safe from desperation. sure, i dont care what gets me high, just that im high. nothing has me under its thumb. there is no leash attached to this neck. but is this the same thing as being dedicated to one chemicle? am i an addict? a functioning addict. is there such a thing as me?

i am aching for danger. im need some peril. i feel like im trapped in a soft padded room. i want out. something has to give, i cant be on the verge [of tears? of collapse? of what?] forever. i just gotta break from this. somehow. and get back inside myself.

ok. im becoming whiny bitch. ill stop now.

Regina King Update: i think im over her, although the scene will haunt me. it provides such internal probing. it struck a chord in me. i dont know why. it was a nasty old emotional chord. its left me in a delicate space. if you were curious, it is the scene that starts with ray in the bathroom with fatboy getting his share of the score, and ends with the live improvisation. that naturalness of it. the sick genius of it. it broke my heart.

ok. im done whining. from this point on. im here for you. not me.

this entire post was written with the aid of Glenlivich scotch. thanks glen. you rock.

end bit.

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