Chemicle Mix Ups b/w Who is Regina King

the Radiologist called my numerologist late friday night to give him the result of my MRI. apparently a 'significant' disk is not being agreeable. there is a 50/50 chance they might have to cut open my back. it seems the hour was late enough to warrant concern. i guess operating on someone's spine is a serious procedure. this last weekend i surrendered to being a slave to the nature of things. in the end thats all i can really do.

sunday was thick with gloom. i couldn't escape it. unimportance haunted me, from the void buried inside my being. i reached it and stayed there the entire day. from noon till midnight. i was suffocated by it. and it came suddenly, the moment i awoke, like a trapdoor had buckled beneath me the instant i opened my eyes and the collar was already strapped around my neck. i didn't eat, i didn't speak, i wondered in and out of the house. searching for a reason. an out. another trapdoor

steel trapdoors lock you in
for an indefinite amount
of time. your lone chance
of escape is screaming for help.

i mentioned going on an escape. me alone. in the house, with the aid of some hippie instruments, which i had hoped would make the music to lift me from this cell. ol girl didn't approve. she thought it was childish. she would not support it. she WOULD NOT. i don't even think i wanted to do the tabs, i just wanted to see how she would react if i proposed the the idea. i didn't get the right reaction, and i know i still could have done it. she wouldn't have stopped me, but the weight on my head would have ruined the escape. i would have never completely gotten away.

so i abandon my psychedelic exploits and try to get away through ulterior routs. i have valium. vicodin. kolonopins. and even steroids for my back inflammation. but even copious amounts of this and that and half a gallon of vodka didn't work. sometimes you truly are just stuck. and thats the bottom line.

not to say everyone feels this way. at least not once or twice a month, and with no significant tragedy to spark off such an existential plight. its me. im whining again, because you are here, black space in the digital solar system, for me to purge upon. all my words, like a faint cluster of stars in the vast reaches of cyberspace. no one will never notice. and thats whats so perfect about it. thats where it all makes sense.

Regina King Update: so ive watched the scene maybe five more times now. it breaks my heart every time. i cant really tell if im in love with Regina King, her character Margie, or the whole scene, with the lust and the moment and the junk and the genius and the desperation underneath it all. ill have to watch it a few more times. then maybe ill have an answer.