getting in a groove
ive been trying to get into a routine but it hasnt really stuck. the only thing thats stayed consistent is i wake up every day and, unless i have specific errands to run or have to work, sit around wondering what i should do.
i go to the computer and i chat with friends. making jokes and sometimes flirting. doing small business. just saying hello.
i try not to turn on the tv but ive noticed that the sound of it comforts me, even if im not watching what is on. day time trash television or the news. self appointed judges scolding defendants or reporters posing questions that have a thousand answers.
i drink coffee and smoke cigarettes, thats consistent too. ive run out of milk, soy and otherwise, so have been drinking my coffee black. it makes no difference ive noticed. i dont really have a preference. i just sip it down and let the warmth of it help me wake but sometimes that doesnt really work. so i dump it in the sink and fill the mug with water and put dirty silverware in it, waiting for me to wash them.
im not sure if im lonely or bored but the unrest in me hasnt settled. a nervous energy sits in my chest and stomach like a secret or guilt. there is a dull sadness that wont go away but isnt so overwhelming that it paralyzes me. though there are times that i would just like to curl up in solitude and forget all the world existed.
i look around my apartment for things to do, things to fix. i clean up a little just in case someone comes over. i sweep the floor and pick up my clothes. sometimes i vacuum the cat hair from the couch or wash the bathtub. no one has visited yet, though ive invited them. i never push hard because im not really sure i want the company. i just like to appear social and put together, and i assume opening your door to friends is the normal, healthy thing to do.
ive met girls. that comes easy enough. one i went back to her place with and we had sex all night. the next day we smoked cigarettes in the sun on her balcony and when she asked if i wanted to have breakfast i made an excuse to leave and said id call her later. she was pretty and had red hair that fell down below her shoulder blades. she tried to come across as brimming with confidence but i could tell she was fragile and lonely by the way she would stare at me in silence with half wet eyes, waiting for me to say something. i was just there because i was lonely and horny and i knew she would let me in her pants. i didnt say much the whole night, just let her talk nervously, trying to gauge what kind of person she was. she is very nice, but i dont know how often i plan on seeing her.
my nights are late when i work at the bar because if someone ask if i want to go somewhere after my shift i always say yes, with no other reason not to. so we go to another bar and have another drink and when they call last call we meander our separate ways. when i get home i pet the kitties and fill their bowl and mumble things to then they cannot understand. it is not a routine, but it is all the same.