Saturday, November 12, 2005

fake races


I was supposed to go with someone to something somewhere where some fool was performing some sort of shit or another. I cant really remember. it was a like, a month ago.

Anyway, on the way there to wherever it was, I saw a Lipstick Red Lamborghini, vertical door ajar, dipped on the corner in front of a fruit stand. three fine honeys were draped on the hood and lounging in the drivers seat, rockin tight jean shorts and gold fronts, big hoop earrings and serpentine fingernails.

The stereo was knockin this new tony hussle joint. The beat was vibrating the whole fucking block. The volume was illegal, yo. Shit was mental. the apples and pears shivered and fell from the racks, some splatting on the sidewalk upon impact, others rolling down the street into the gutters. the cat sitting by the fruit stand didnt even notice, he was steady peeling an orange, eyes fixed on the ladies.

So im trying to clock their thighs on the sly while I slide down the avenue to where ever it was I was headed, then one of em’s like, -yo, you gotta bone? and at first im thinking shit girl, you done hit a graveyard full of em, then I realize she means a cigarette so I pull the pack from my pocket and tap one out.

Oh wait, actually, that’s not what happened. my bad.

What really happened was i bought a bottle of wine on the way home from work and when I got to the house rolled a spliff before opening it. I watched some tv, checked out some porno, and started thinking about how when I was a kid an entire show could be based around the car.

all you needed was a cool car, some feathered hair, loose road laws, and hella gasoline; this was the recipe for a hit show.

The Dukes of Hazard had the General Lee, which was efficient in reeking havoc among the citizens of Hazard County, transporting Uncle Jesse’s illegal commie moonshine, and jumping ravines.

Magnum P.I had the Ferrari, which seemed to only come in handy when he needed to impress chicks. of course, it always came through in that situation, but usually had carburetor problems when an actual private investigating emergency arose. I suspect it was jealous of all the airtime TC’s helicopter got, so sabatoged itself. Ferraris have been known to have large but fragile egos.

Hardcastle and McCormick had their little freaky Delorean dealio. That piece of shit had the remarkable ability to change lanes on the freeway by driving under the bed of an 18 wheel semi, and that was about it. Whoop dee fucking doo.

Knight Rider had, you know, Knight Rider. aka, K.I.TT. Which was like the money shot of cars in The Car Show era. It had an oil slick feature, a beer holder, and an Atari console built into it. i dont know if they never featured it on the show, but it also had a built in vagina slot to slip your penis in when you got stuck in traffic or hit a red light. Knight Rider was awesome.

shouts to straight banging for turning me on to the tony hussle tune, and this guy for knowing more about tv show cars than me.

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:gray matters: by jkg is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at downtownalleys.blogspot.com.