staying in

sometimes you don't find the time, but the time finds you instead. weather or not you need it or want it you get it and you deal. time is like that, its got its own agenda. it provides space for you to squeeze it in and it runs out when you need it most and its slows down when you just cant wait and it stands still when you least expect it. time doesnt care how much you need it, time doesnt care how much you think you have of it, time doesn't care much about you, or me, at all.

but that's neither here nor there.

this weekend i planned to take it easy. no casual get togethers, no drinks after work. no parties no performances no late night bites to eat. no chelsea no village no meat packing district. no hookers no pills and definitely no bar tabs. no nada. i planned on letting others have the fun this weekend. they deserve it.

besides, i had some shopping to do. and on saturday afternoon i did it. me and L-cheeks took the subway to Soho, marched right into the Apple store, and demanded i get a 12" Powerbook from which to watch gigantic pornographic files on. and i got it. and i dropped loot. and i watched the biggest, longest, most anally penetrating facial blasting animal fondling midget tossing hardcore amateur porno movie i possibly could when i got it home. and when i was done, completely exhausted and drained of most blood, poop and protein, i thought to myself -that was totally worth it.

immediately afterwards the phone rang. at an early evening on saturday it could be just about anybody so i answered it cautiously:

me: he-hello?

voice on other end: whats up you fucking faggot?

me: Dad?

but no, it wasnt my long lost pappy, it was instead my friend Charles, or "The Chza," for short. who knows why he greets me with such harsh homophobia. i think it might be because if he actually greets me with a genuinely pleasant tone in his voice it would imply he was happy to speak with me, and that would just be too gay. i mean, a man, happy to speak to another man, on the phone? c'mon, why dont you just put on some wrestling, tie an ascot around my neck, and shove your fist in my ass while your at it?

anyway, he wants me and L-sweetcakes to wander up to his house for a pre-party party. i decline, reminding myself of my no party plans, but hes got a whole spiel prepared for me: drinks will be made and cheese chunks will be available. lots of people are coming over and everyones in costume. music will be played and laughs will be had. all the chicks will think youre cute, and so will the guys and your girlfriend too. bring records. bring the new laptop. and dont forget to bring the mullet wig i left at your house last halloween.

it was the opportunity to show off the new laptop that sold me. i couldn't wait to rub my shiny new 80 gigabite megapornomonster in everyones faces. i could just see the look in their eyes as i pulled it from the laptop sleeve in my backpack. the awe that said -that remarkable slim contraption can hold how much porno? the lust that said -oh god it looks so sexy, and with the 512 mb of ram you can run 3 to 4 porno movies at once! the shock that said -i cant tell if its the sleek design or the hours of czechoslovakian gonzo clip compilations it can hold, but i just got the biggest fuckin boner ever.

oh yes, and it can run some pretty powerful music programs as well.

so we get to the Chza's and begin pounding drinks as if we got a train to catch. conversation gets slurred and i start acting slutty and the hours slip by and soon everyone is ready to head out. The Rub awaits.

me and L-giggles head back to the palace, somewhat disappointed that we arent going out but sticking to our plans of not letting the night into our wallets. sometimes you just have to stand your ground. there were plenty of other, less expensive things that could entertain us. if nothing else we could sit in silence with our thoughts. we don't need no stinking party to have fun. i mean shit, have i even mentioned that i just got a new laptop?

but sometimes the alcohol wins, and you have to follow your monster. so at 2.45 am, filled with spirits and no longer thinking for ourselves, we decide to head to to Rub, which isnt far from the royal court. so L-vira puts together a makeshift witch costume, i put my coat on my back, and we head out the door once again.

we get there and its a madhouse. all the girls are a sexy something or other. sexy student. sexy nun. sexy newsreporter. sexy hobo. whatever. its 3am and the line is still down the block and security isnt letting anyone in. i try to call a few people inside but to no avail [does that EVER work?] and eventually, happy with defeat, we go home.

as we are walking back up to the palace i reach for my keys and feel a lump of sickness begin to grow in my stomach. i clock L-stumbles outfit and note the lack of pockets. i pat myself down one more time for kicks. its 3.15 in the morning. its 40 degrees outside. we are pissed drunk. and we are locked out of the house. brilliant.

who has the time for being locked out of the house? who has the time to be spent in the cold? who has the time to wait for the sun to rise? shit, you can have all the time in the world and you wont have the time for that crap. but even if we couldnt find the time for it, the time for it had found us.

but it eventually worked itself out. and my laptop was still awesome when i got back into the castle, so the only waste of time really was posting about it on this blog. oh well. eat it tricks.