day off

ive been lazy all day. this is neither abnormal nor a thing of shame, just a fact im stating. a way to start a post. i thought long and hard about what my first sentence to this post would be. i wondered where it would take me, what explorations it would lead to. i could have written many different things. almost anything, really.

-montana fishburne, aka Chippy d, really should have planned the release to her porno a little better.

-the ice cream trucks in my neighborhood have more on their agenda than a sweet, frozen treat.

-i cant remember the last time i heard a new electronic song.

-im looking to get a new job.

but i decided to write the first thing that came to my head, which was a simple statement declaring my current laziness. its strange that after all that thinking (and i had been planning to write all morning and afternoon, it was the gentle undercurrent of every thought, every action, and every decision of this, august 7th, 2010) that was the best i could come up with. but i realized at some point in the day that the longer i thought of what to write, the less actual writing i was going to do.

see, i had this notion that i had to write a particular thing. that the first sentence would have to lead to a cute little story, a meaningful musing, or a surreal idea fleshed into a series of well articulated paragraphs. there were things i knew i didnt want to write about (which, in the end, is only going to prevent me from writing. should not all subjects be open to consideration? why feel something is beneath my words, it surely isnt beneath my thoughts. if something is worthy of even my faintest concern, than how can it not be worthy enough to write a few sentences about. especially in this black bin of insignificance i call a blog?). and there were things i thought i did want to write about (though these were vague aims, i had no concrete ideas, no sneaking suspicions, no slight inspirations or arguments to make. i simply had dim ambitions that exceeded my accepted capacity). but in the end there was nothing in me to come out. nothing inside that i could be proud of.

all day ive been surfing the internet and thinking half heartedly about life. the big blur of time and age that contiues moving on regardless of my own agenda. and i have stayed in my pajamas, a pair of shorts and no shirt, and instinctually, without much thought at all, clicked on my mouse. the hours have passed, the clock almost mocking me, and the feeling that there is nothing new and will never be anything new has settled into my gut without my even noticing. i cant tell if it is laziness, exhaustion, or just a general ennui, and the truth is i dont really care.

so i decided that if i was going to write i was just going to write. it didnt matter. i do it now only because its something i feel i have to do, because if i dont then i have nothing. its the last shred of spirit left in me. the very aspiration of one day becoming a writer is the only thing that keeps me going. once thats gone i might as well just get a job working for the city and count the beer cans until im dead. it doesnt matter either way, which is probably why ive been so lazy all day.