on the quiet streets of suburban new york

there are some strange characters out there.

a friend was telling me about a guy from his neighborhood from when he was just a kid in high school. they called the guy Dirty D. its not clear on whether or not Dirty D actually lived in the neighborhood, but its known he would lurk around a particular corner that opened into a quiet cul de sac, standing near his expensive luxury sedan in a business suit with hands in his pockets. not many people paid attention to him, he was quite unassuming in his privileged attire, but Dirty D had, what i like to call, unreasonable desires.

the first person to ever encounter Dirty D, to ever really interact with him, was this kid named Wally. Wally, like most other tweens in the neighborhood, was simply riding his bike around when he came across him. he was alone at the time, and the conversation he had with Dirty D has been lost over the years to other, more memorable exchanges, but what my friend does remember is what Wally told him when he met up with the rest of his friends.

"there is this guy - you know the guy that you always see in the suit - i talked to him. he said he'd give me fifty bucks if i peed on his head, and twenty bucks for my socks."

my friend and his other friends didnt really believe Wally at the time, it seemed not only ridiculous, but the sheer perversion of the act was something they had yet to discover in life [these were suburban kids, sex was still foreign to them, and fetishes had hardly made a blip on their hormonal radar] but like any fourteen year old boy, he was curious. they all were.

so Wally, my friend, and another friend, all went to the edge of the cul de sac, where the man in the suit always stood with his hands in his pockets, and approached him about the proposition. to their surprise [and Wally's smug glee] the man confirmed the story. he would pay them fifty bucks each to pee on the back of his head, and give twenty dollars for the socks on their feet. the dirtier the better, he added. to sweeten the deal, he would have packs of clean socks in his trunk to trade with the socks they were parting with. thick, white, sports socks, just how they liked.

aware of, yet willfully ignoring, the strange sexual perversion of the act, the boys agreed to the transaction. according to my friend, they would go to the spot where Dirty D lurked once or twice a week, each making a little over a hundred dollars [and getting new socks] for their "work." seeing as how they werent even old enough to legally have a job, this was a small fortune to collect.

im not sure how long this went on, but eventually other kids in the neighborhood found out. this makes sense, as any kid with a hundred dollars on his person at any given time and always sporting a clean, white, new pair of socks, is going to raise suspicions amongst his peers. that and as a boy going through puberty, any excuse to brag or tell a story is taken advantage of immediately. soon though, forty kids or so were circling the area where Dirty D lurked, and, judging by his fine suits and fancy car, Dirty D wasnt a stupid man, so he stopped coming around. the Dirty D era quickly ended, the kids had killed it.

my friend is much older now, but he suspects that Dirty D just changed neighborhoods. and now there is a new generation of children sporting new socks and emptying their bladders on the back of Dirty D's head. i suspect this is probably true.

anyway, that is the legend of Dirty D