five minutes

i hate working. i dont know what i hate more about it, the actual work part or the having work to do part. i guess the having work to do part, the work itself is just a process. once im involved with the work i just do it, but its the getting started and the KNOWING i need to get started that bothers me.

i need to start playing the lottery more.

no. no. that would just be an exercise in disappointment. the futility of hope clouding my realities. ill never win the lotto. just like ill never die in a plane crash. im not that lucky. im not that special.

the work im doing now - well, the work im supposed to be doing now - isnt so hard. im supposed to be writing. im supposed to be communicating with others. im supposed to be active.

im just so lazy. im trying to get myself into a routine. im trying to create a pattern in which i am happy to do work.

but its hard. so hard.

i much prefer being distracted. i much prefer the surprise of non entertainment. the tedium of reading meaningless articles on the internet. of laughing at silly pictures. of having mundane conversations.

i cant rely on anyone to ease this. and the fact that its all on me makes everything even more difficult. i cant even write nothing, musings and ponderings, for twenty minutes anymore. i write for five minutes and then i get bored with it all.

welp, five minutes are up.