change is gonna come

im broke, and have bills that will need to be paid and bills that should have been paid and debts lurking in the shadows waiting for just the right moment to spring out at me. it is a tricky combination of things —that i have been in worse financial shape, that i know others that are in more difficult situations than i, that this is simply the american way— that prevents me from getting overwhelmed with worry about it. i have a job, so i know that money, even if it is meager, will be coming in. i have friends that, if my back were against the wall, wouldnt let me suffer too greatly. and i have part ownership in a company that, even if we couldnt afford it, has reserves for me to dip into if worse came to worse. all this keeps my head on straight. all this keeps me somewhat sane.

this still doesnt mean i am comfortable.

every penny counted and not a dollar saved. i buy cheaper beer and eat deli sandwiches for dinner. ive limited my stool time at the bars. i watch movies on television instead of going to the theater.

ive never been to concerned with fashion so my tattered threads have more than sufficed. i dont smoke much weed anymore so its not like im aching for a hit of green. music comes free to me, and i have plenty of books to read. but entertainment, regardless of my economic situation, has always been hard to come by.

i wonder if its time for change. if perhaps my job has gotten to small for me. if maybe i need to go out and find bigger and better things. i have talent, intelligence, and experience in a variety of fields. ive held myself back, waiting for the right job to come along, but this passive approach towards things may be what is holding me down.

what does a man that is about to turn 35 do when he decides its time to change careers. especially when he already has three, and is too deeply involved with two of them to let it go.

but also, what does a man do when he is about to turn 35 and has three jobs yet is still broke?

i need to reevaluate my life.

my five minutes is up.