yet again

i thought i was done with this.

yet here i sit fretting over a girl i can not have, fretting over a girl i do not want, fretting over the girl that will never be in my life again.

im prone to heartache and im comfortable with that. logic and reason prevent me from drastic measures. shame and vanity prevent me from humiliating myself. and it always ends, everything ends, its just the long stretches of misery before then that get hard to handle.

i try not to think of her but cant help but let her consume me. i try not to think of her but cant help but know shes thinking of me. i try not to think of her but she haunts me and she always will.

these girls. these women. they run my life, and have since i was born, shoved from their vagina and covered in their blood. the communion between love and hurt, and how one makes the other more special and how the two will never be apart. how loss always lurks around the corner and how beneath the joy lie evils waiting. jealousy. betrayal. greed and untold truths.

there is nothing romantic about heartbreak. i thought once that there was but now i realize its just another agony one experiences as they grow older. like the shock of loss or the dread of rejection. some experience it more than others, but this doesnt make them any more special or wise, it only means they are better looking or have more charm, and have more opportunities of sorrow to contend with.

writing about heartache isnt something i really like to do. it seems trite and typical, the mundane whining of a man with two many words in him. but im in such a strange place i have no other outlet from which to relieve this dull gloom. love and affection and friendship and dependence have grown into an unbearable discord within me. communication gets me no where, i will feel what i feel and i am trying to accept these fates given.

this is the life i have created for myself, this is the road ive gone down. i cant even make this post any longer for fear it'll get lost in ramblings of minor anguish. trivial woes and unearned hardship. i can only end it with a period and hope the next time i write its a little bit better.