people (ugh)

im trying my best.

i answer my phone when i hear it, instead of ignoring the ring or declining the call. i consider taking up invitations, mulling them over in my head and sometimes, but not all the times, even accepting them. i email people. i reply to messages sent to me on facebook. i make myself available. i dont yet let myself get consumed in loneliness, though i do find myself enjoying my time alone. still, ive made steps to be social. normal. a functioning member of society that does more than just works and writes in between drinking and smoking.

but i find just putting myself out there isnt enough. ive noticed that simply engaging with other people wont entirely suffice. the main problem being that, at this stage in my life, i have little patience for people that i dont truly get along with.

im not saying i have to agree with a person on everything, in fact, im always up for a reasonable debate, but after spending a certain amount of time with a person, if their outlook or attitude or mannerisms continue to bug me, i suddenly have no more time and must make an exit. this surely isnt conducive to a healthy social life, but what can i say? people annoy me.

for a long time this crotchety approach only got in the way of having sex. usually, if i cant tolerate the conversation for long enough, i dont have the patience to have sex with a person. and on the rare occasion i stay the course until our goal is reached, immediately after orgasm the shameful realization that i want nothing more than to be rid of whoever is beside me torments the rest of the night (or morning). its not so bad though, things could be worse. so ive lived with it.

but now that im realizing this crotchety attitude has spilled over into my every day social behavior, that even meeting people for strictly platonic means can be burdened by my general disgust for meaningless conversation, its become sort of an issue with me. am i digging a hole for myself? am i separating myself from the rest of the world?

ok, im being slightly dramatic, because not only am i having sex with two girls, but im simultaneously falling for another (whom i cant have sex with because shes still got a situation with another guy shes going through). and i also have friends who i speak to online as well as those i have from the bar, not to mention the older ones from the record industry that i still talk with.

i guess its just contending with my own feelings of being alone, of wanting things i can not have, of being afraid of the things i can.

but what can i say, im trying.