Edgy Cult Shit

I’m watching a movie right now and in it James Woods is putting his hand in his stomach. He looks pretty uncomfortable doing it, but that seems about right. Oh, now his gun is growing some kind of metal tentacles that are either burrowing into, or slithering out of, his bloody arm. Now everything looks ok with him and he’s walking around some sort of office with a shady look on his face. Something’s about to go down.

Oop! I was right. He just shot somebody. Damn, that was crazy! Now some chick is helping him escape out of a crowded office as if no one saw him do it, which looks dumb because everyone is just staring at him with that Holy Shit You Just Shot That Dude look on their face as he walks by. Now he’s on the street and everyone is acting normal and he just ducked into an empty alley. It looks like he got away. Guess her plan worked.

I think this movie was made in the 80’s. Only a few things give it away though. The one black dude I’ve seen had a pretty dated haircut. If its one thing that will always define whatever decade we are in, it’s our haircuts. Fools can’t be rocking no played out shit. And definitely not in the movies, that’s fo’ sho. This dude had a kind of weird afro mullet shag thing going on, and I haven’t seen that shit since I was a kid. Another thing that gives away that its from the 80’s is that its James Woods and he hasn’t been in a movie this weird and creepy since he was way younger and was riskier in the roles he choose. As a matter of fact, he looks like he’s in his late Twenties or early Thirties, so I guess that gives it away right there. Oh well, there’s 30 seconds of your life you wont have back. My bad.

Holy shit, it ended with James Woods shooting himself in the head with his freaky half arm half gun have alien tentacle hand. I know that doesn’t sound possible because how can there be three halves right? But that’s the thing dude! This movie was so weird and bizarre it was beyond mathematical impossibility. It was like an Orchid that smelled like shit and tasted like pumpkin pie. It’s called Videodrome. I think it was directed by David Cronenberg.

I never saw it when it came out. But it looks like the kind of movie I would have. I grew up watching creepy, mine bending shit. My mother used to take me to those kinds of flicks when I was a kid. She was a single mom that didn’t have extra baby sitter money so when she wanted to see a movie I had to tag along. That was ok though, for every boring Shogun I slept through there was a Blade Runner to open my eyes. Actually, to tell the truth, most of the movies were pretty good, and even though I didn’t understand them then, I appreciated the visceral experience they swept me through.

I was terrified yet enthralled with the nightmare that was The Shining. I was shocked and repulsed at the ultra-violence of A Clockwork Orange. I was confused and excited by the hysteria in Sleeper. I was bored with Zardoz. The Wall turned my stomach (though the music was good).

This was all long before I embraced the innocent wonder of Bambi or Dumbo or Charlotte’s Web or whatever, I didn’t start watching children’s flicks until I was seven or eight years old. When I finally did, I dove head first into them and, aside from the Star Wars trilogy and Raiders of the Lost Arc, didn’t watch anything but animated movies for a few years. Still though, I had a place in my heart for the edgy cult flick before I knew what a flick fucking was.

In any case, now that movie Orgazmo is on and it’s a movie about porn but they aren’t showing tits. What the fuck is that all about?

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Hey, have you ever wondered what it felt like to stick sharp, furry objects into your ear? Well, now is the time to satisfy that curiosity once and for all! I hereby curse you all with: Paris Hilton Singing.