this festering

i have been meaning to update but havent and thats that.

now i will just post the little bits of crap ive scribbled in the past day or so. the broken throw-aways that make me up. this will be brief and lazy. like sex with me but without all the panting. thank you very much.

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I am filled up with language but in it there are no stories. So at this point I’m writing just for the sake of it. As if there is a surplus of words that need to be on a page and I am just a dumb messenger.

I write academic essays in haste. I read and then forget what I read. I let myself unravel in the operatic nature of it all. I smoke a cigarette and only feed my addiction. I swamp myself in alcohol and only smell like it in the morning.

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What else is there but life and death, except for everything in between?

I guess that question answers itself.

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Someone is blaring classical music from their car and they are sitting right outside my house.

And earlier today a guy rolled by in a money green Saab and he was blasting jazz with the convertible top down.

things are looking up for old people.

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She ask what it was that she said. She sent it to me on an email, so I should know exactly what it was she said.

I say I don’t have the email anymore. I say I put it in the trash.

Then I deleted it from the trash.

She says then how can you prove I said anything? How can you prove I meant what you think I said?

I say because I read it. I read the words you wrote. And they left imprints on me and I remember and always will and these impressions wont go away. So I know. I know. I don’t need the emails to back my memories up. I know.

I deleted the emails.

There is no need to burden myself with facts. They don’t prove anything anyway.

She pulled the blankets up and I shut the door.

Divorce Song

i suppose I've been waiting to write this post for quite some time. and by saying that i mean to convey that it doesn't come as a shock I'm writing it. this post was less fate as it was inevitable. its an unsurprising eventuality. long ago this post was coming and now its finally its here.

i met Lea when i was nineteen years old. i was working at a new age store and was standing behind the counter when she came in to drop off her resume for a job. i smiled and took it and put it behind the counter and told her id give it to a manger, which i did. we both flirted with our eyes if i remember correctly. but i could be wrong, that could just be some romantic day dream. anyway, she got the job and i started putting in work on her. given her all of my charm and even more if i could. she never resisted. not even once. it was a mutual affection. we were together after not to long.

then two weeks later, i decided i didn't want a girlfriend anymore. she was fine with that. so we broke up.

so for 7 years we were just friends. we had sex every so often, on a night where someone had had too much alcohol or speed or e or all three, but mostly, we were just friends.

we slept with everyone under the sun. we did our dirt and digging. we kept in touch. then one day i woke up and for some strange reason, I'm in love. and she realized she was in love too.

so we moved to new york, lea and i, and we started to work like everyone else. we got on our grind. we got lost in the current. we followed the flow. we made it happen. but in that current we lost touch. we gravitated towards our own patterns and pace. we strove in isolation. we parted ways. then it ends.

and there is so much more i could write in this post. there is a book of poems and an epic novel. but for now i can only write that it started and then it ended. and now we are free and we are alone and we can only assume that is best. because it is regardless.