Monday, April 16, 2007

dumb things i did as a kid

when i was 8 years old i was living at a foster home in a quiet residential neighborhood in san francisco. it was an older couple that ran it, they must have been in their mid to late 60s. he had false teeth and she wore a wig. one morning before school i was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and splashing water over on my face, when i noticed a can of hairspray sitting above the sink. being the precocious little metrosexual i am, i decided that a healthy dose of hairspray was just what i needed in order to complete my studly transformation from shy, third grade nerd to sexy, third grade hero. what i didnt know was that it wasnt hairspray in a can, but hair remover in a can. after a long 15 minutes of spraying a good half the bottle all over my head, i went to comb out my afro into maximum Billy Dee Williams appeal. needless to say i was the only third grader suffering from massive bald spots for the next two weeks.

at an even earlier age i was living in new jersey with my grandmother. i had been allowed the responsibility of walking home by myself, and usually when i arrived the house would be quiet, with my grandmother still at work and my aunts usually studying or reading in their room. one afternoon i was particularly hungry and decided i would take it upon myself to feed my 7 year old belly. the night before we'd had macaroni and cheese at dinner, and their was still some left, in a plastic bowl, prominently displayed in the middle of the refrigerator. i grabbed it and decided i would heat it up, without any help from the elders in the house, just to prove that i could do things on my own. i lit the gas flame stove and placed the mac n cheese, still in the plastic bowl, directly onto the burner. in a few minutes, i thought, ill not only have warm food, but receive heaps of praise from the family for being so self sufficient. yay! cue to me running around, crying hysterically, as flames from the melting bowl grew to a frightening height in the kitchen. i didnt use the stove again for the next few years.

i dont really remember the age i was at, but there was an incident of me jumping from a tree with a plastic bag, and then an umbrella, both in an attempt to parachute, or glide to the ground, in a feathery like manner. both ended up with me being injured.

i once used all my mothers lipstick on my face at the same time. she was thrilled at that.

i would go the length of entire blocks, jumping from roof to roof. most of the buildings were 3 or more stories high. im surprised i didnt kill myself.

one time, when i was 3 or so, i threw every piece of my mothers clothes out of our 4th story apartment window, just to watch them float to the ground. again, she was thrilled beyond belief.

i could go on and on...


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:gray matters: by jkg is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
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