vague entry for the sake of it

I’ve been falling behind in school. It is my own undoing; I’ve been skipping classes, doing papers at the last minute, letting time waste by without any concern for my academic obligations. It is because my head is in another place.

I think of her mostly. And if not thinking of her then thinking of how I can be a better person for her. Even though I don’t have her. Cant have her. Wont have her. I still think of it. I think sometimes maybe that’s her allure. I hope that’s her allure.

Though I know its not.

And then there are the others. The ones that stand in front of me with their arms open and their breast heaving and willing let me have them and sometimes I do have them because I have nothing else and who am I to say no.

They don’t get in the way though. With them it is simply flesh upon flesh. They don’t know who I am and I don’t care to know who they are. It makes me feel like a piece of shit sometimes, when I ignore their calls or shrug when they ask me a personal question. But this is all I can offer and if they don’t want it then they can move on. I surely will.

Besides, they don’t bring me down. They don’t consume my thoughts. They are just the skin of midnight and the shed of dawn. It is not a very flattering approach, I admit, but I cannot belong to them and as long as we are clear on that then living and breathing between us can go much easier.

She knows about them. I’ve told her once and then she found out through other means and we both agreed that what is done is done but I can tell we were both hurt. By the truth and the untold truths and the spaces in between. But this is what we are made up of —us— these serpentine roads fraught with longing and loss and hurt and misery and also peppered with burst of joy that explode above like an awaited celebration and when the remnants rain down they burn, leaving scars. This we know and we both live with and it’s because we simply live and not because we want to.

And when we are apart I wonder where she is and who she is with and how she feels about who she is with and I sequester these questions in my heart and when we see one another I smile.

And when we are apart I sit and stare and I pet the cats and clean the house and I wait and I keep waiting.

Instead of doing school work.

These post have gotten too personal of recent. But this is what this blog was meant to be. This is why I don’t know anyone who reads it. Or at least why I hope no one I know reads it. Because all these thoughts and these strange things in my heart are mine and only mine and the world can pick them apart or ignore them and I wont care, as long as they don’t ask questions. Because if I cant write about my flaws or how my flaws make this up this ache then what else can I write about?

I will have more stories later. For now if you read you go through what I go through.