step one

ive been meaning to dry out. im not aiming to cleanse my entire system, but just lay off the spirits for a while. i cant really do it though. its a difficult task. i work at a bar, for one. and its not that i have to drink there, but im some what of an alcoholic, so due to convenience, i feel i must. then there are the days im not working at the bar. the days im working elsewhere. and those days put a bind on my time, leaving me these open moments of thought and emotion that are beginning to make me nervous. and since i am a rather anxious person, all my burdens fester and rise until i eventually have to dull the swelling. usually that calls for another drink.

im convinced its because im caught in a tide of conflict, and once the pressure recedes ill return to my normal, less dangerous and more tolerable, drinking habits. my one or maybe two cocktail in the evening habits. my early afternoon pint of water habits. my breakfast habits and my exercise habits. of course, ill have new habits. it is, after all, these habits that help make me up.

but for now its beer in the early afternoon and brown liquor in the early evening. a steady diet of alcohol, nicotine, words and random sensations.

even the music in me has gotten all muddy from the drunk. im a mix of all these genres with no coherent progression. i have to dj on saturday and i cant begin to begin. i dont know what to play. the confusion of it all bubbles up inside of me and releases in small burst of melody. i should play this or i should play that or no i should play these or no wait this sounds better. it is a mish mash of grooves that either everyone or no one likes. fuck em or please em. it should be win win, no?

but thats small matters. just a thing. and i can do that while drunk. no problem.

its every other hour im worried about. i need to get a good head on my shoulders. i need sound mind and reasonable ideas. i cant be half there all the time. i cant be lost. i need to be focused. able bodied. ready to move forward. there has to be more in me than just a pep talk.

so i have been meaning to dry out, but it aint working right now. in fact, if it were a plan or strategy, it would be failing miserably. its not though, not yet. its just an idea. something to explore while im drunk or getting there. eventually things will change. they always do. i just gotta be patient, right?